


"Traitor! My cookies!"

by FearfulKitten



Series: Batman Bingo 2020 [5]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman and Robin (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: All of them are little shits, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Dynamics (DCU), Batfamily is a Mess (DCU), Batman Bingo, Caring Dick Grayson, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Damian Wayne is a Little Shit, Damian Wayne is feral, Domestic Batfamily (DCU), Gen, In a way, Jason Todd Being a Little Shit, Stephanie Brow is a little shit too, Tim Drake Being a Little Shit, Well - Freeform, What Can I Say?, batman bingo 2020, but I still love them, dick Grayson is a mom, its true, kinda seriously, no beta we die like robins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25854166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearfulKitten/pseuds/FearfulKitten
Summary: Fic inspired by @tiny-italian-danger-noodle on tumblr, BethanyAngel here on ao3. Link to the post: https://tiny-italian-danger-noodle.tumblr.com/post/624948123561852928/im-sorry-but-i-just-love-the-idea-of-the-rest-of"It’s not like there was any kind of conscious effort in it. And yet, Dick was slowly becoming the closest thing the batfamily had to a mom."
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth & Damian Wayne, Cassandra Cain & Duke Thomas, Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Duke Thomas, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Duke Thomas & Bruce Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Dick Grayson, Stephanie Brown & Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Alfred Pennyworth, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson
Series: Batman Bingo 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852759
Comments: 26
Kudos: 533





	"Traitor! My cookies!"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BethanyAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BethanyAngel/gifts).



> Heyy! Quick heads up: I changed some things from the original post. Idk, it just made sense in my head to write it like this. Also, yes, I did made a point in fitting in the batman bingo, because I have a card to fill and it was perfect, so don't yell at me :(  
> I hope you enjoy it! <3

It’s not like there was any kind of conscious effort in it. And yet, Dick was slowly becoming the closest thing the batfamily had to a mom. He hated it, but someone had to tell Damian to not kill his brothers. Or tell Tim to go to bed after 48 hours up. Or tell Jason not to shoot firearms inside the house. Or tell Steph to not prank elderly people ( _It doesn’t matter that they are homophic Steph, you can’t do that, they’re 80_ ). And if no one else would do it, then, well, he would.

It started after the cookie episode.

Alfred had baked them after Damian requested it. He had been craving those for months, and finally decided to ask for them. But Jason came home before he did, and ended up eating most of them, leaving the smallest two for the boy. Once the kid got home from school and saw what happened, he was fuming.

“Devilspawn, what are you doing in my room?” Jason asked, laying on the bed, face buried in a book.

“You. Ate. My. Cookies.” He said, katana in his hands.

“Okay, and?” Jason answered “I left you some. And I eat stuff from everyone in the house, so that really shouldn’t- You have your sword. Oh my God, why do you have your sword?” He jumped to his feet after the realization, trying to run.

“You will pay!” Damian raised his katana, charging towards his brother.

“Fuck!” Jason yelled, climbing on the bed, trying to get away from the boy.

“I have been waiting for those cookies for _ages_!” Damian sliced through the air, aiming for the other’s feet. Jason fell from the bed trying to evade the move and ran through the bedroom door.

“Help!” He yelled, running down the halls “Dick, help! Damian wants to kill me! Again!”

“Traitor!” Damian screeched behind him, tiny footsteps growing louder and louder as he approached Jason “My cookies!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” He ran down the stairs, going to the entrance hall “Dick, please! He’s getting closer!”

Damian skipped steps behind him.

“You coward!” He brandished his sword “Face me like a man!”

As they went into the dining room, Damian felt a sudden pull at his uniform’s collar. Dick held him there, as if he was a kitten, and pointed at Jason.

“Don’t move.”

“Okay.” Jason said, backed up against the wall.

“Unhand me Grayson!” He complained, trying to twist himself free “He deserves punishment for his crimes!”

“Give me the katana.” Dick took the weapon from his brother’s hands “Damian, the no kill rule _does_ extend to siblings. Please keep that in mind.”

“I wasn’t going to kill him.” Damian pouted, angry “I was simply going to mutilate or maim. If he died, that would be on _him_.”

“We don’t mutilate _or_ maim each other in this house, okay?” Dick said, finaly letting go of the kid “Don’t make me repeat that.”

“Fine.”

“And you,” He turned to Jason, crossing his arms “Why did you eat all of his cookies?”

“I left him some.” He mumbled.

“Doesn’t matter.” Dick answered, hardened expression “You should’ve waited for him to get home, and you know it.”

“Yeah, okay.” He scratched his head.

“Now, apologize to each other.”

Both of them looked horrified at the idea. Dick sighed.

“Apologize. Now.” They didn’t budge “Or you’re both banned from patrol for a week.”

“You can’t do that.” Jason said “Can he?” He asked Damian, in a quieter voice. The kid shrugged.

“Don’t test me.” Dick answered.

“Fine.” Jason rolled his eyes “I’m sorry for eating all your cookies.”

“And I’m sorry for trying to mutilate you because of it.”

“Great. Now hug it out.”

“I’m not...”

“You must be...”

“Now!” He stomped his foot, and both of them grumpily hugged each other, clearly uncomfortable way “See? Was that so hard?”

“Yes.” Both of them answered.

“Then think about that before you do some stupid shit again.” Dick answered, leaving the room.

Tim, who was out of sight but within earshot, raised an eyebrow at the scene.

The next week, he knocked on the door of Dick’s room, covered in glue, feathers and glitter.

“He- Woah!” Dick said as he opened the door, finding a very unamused Tim on the other side “Okay, you’re not getting in here like that. What happened?”

“Steph happened.” Tim answered, flat toned and tired.

“I love how that explains so much and so little at the same time.” He sighed, supporting an arm on the door frame “What did she do?”

“Glue bucket on my door. Tripwire, then a bunch of feathers. And finally, a glitter bomb by my bathroom door.”

“Oh God.” He covered his mouth with a hand “Why?”

“Prank war. She took it a little too seriously.”

Dick rested his head on his forearm.

“Steph!” He yelled out “Come here!”

They heard footsteps, and the blonde girl emerged, laughing.

“Oh, man!” She said “This is the best one yet.”

“Steph, why would you do that?” He asked.

“Oh, so _he_ can hack into my computers and change the names of all my files and _I_ can’t play a little physical prank? I sent my teacher a very rude meme because of that. Almost got expelled.” She crossed her arms. Tim snickered.

“What?” Dick asked “Why?”

“Prank war.” Tim shrugged.

“Okay, you know what? No more prank wars until you two learn how to behave.” Dick said and pointed at Steph “ _You_ are cleaning all the mess you made in his bedroom. And _you_ ,” He pointed at Tim, and twisted his nose “Well, you are going to take a shower, and then you’re going to change back _all_ that you messed with on her computer. And,” He kept going “Both of you are cleaning the batmobile after patrol for a week.”

“What? That’s not fair!” Steph complained.

“You’re right.” Dick said, scratching his chin “Okay then, Steph is cleaning the batmobile for a week and Tim can’t use the batcave before sunset and after three a.m. for a week.”

“What?!” Tim screamed “What do you expect me to do all day then?”

“Learn how to function in a healthy way? Anyways, complain too much, I’ll make it a month.” Dick answered.

“You can’t do that!” Steph complained “You’re not Batman.”

“Try me.” Dick squinted.

“Fine!” She threw her hands up, leaving “I’ll clean the stupid room and the stupid car.”

“Traitor.” Tim hissed, walking away.

Then three weeks after that, Batman came up to him in patrol, and, on top of a building, said:

“I need your assistance.”

“Sure. Who are we up against now?” Nightwing asked.

“Not... That kind of assistance.” Batman looked down “Your brothers keep talking in a weird way. I don’t understand the colloquialisms in their language, and I’m almost sure they are mocking me.”

Dick blinked a little under the mask.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I need you to stop them from doing that while we’re on patrol.”

“B, can’t you... I don’t know, you are their dad, not me!” He pointed out.

“But you are the one who gets them under control.” He shot back. They stared at each other “Please. Just while they are wearing the mask.” Dick sighed.

“Fine. I’ll talk to them.”

Later on, when they got back from patrol, Dick felt a little ridiculous having to explain to a bunch of masked heroes that they have to stop communicating in memes and insulting Batman when on patrol. And why it wasn’t okay _even if it was to his face, Steph_. Damian, of course, was let off the hook on that one. He had just recently grasped the concept of a meme, having declared on multiple ocasions that they were a stupid waste of internet data. Tim was personally offended by all of those declarations.

It didn’t take long for Dick to start correcting the family’s unhealthy habits after that. He had given Cass a “required socialization day”, to be performed at least once a month, Damian had mandatory off patrol days every two weeks, he dragged Bruce to bed every other night, and regulated Tim’s caffeine intake.

Duke was the best enforcer of his rules in the house. Not because he was brutal or particularly persuasive, but because he could instill guilt into the members of the family.

“Hey, Bruce, didn’t Dick tell you to go upstairs and grab lunch?” He asked, going down to the cave to practice. The man grunted as he set down his gym bag “Okay then. I just don’t know how you’ll deal with his broken heart when he sees you haven’t been taking care of yourself like you said you would. I mean, how can you even break a promise you’ve made to that guy? He worries so much about us, it’s-”

“Okay!” He exclaimed, getting up “Okay, I’ll go get lunch.”

Whenever Tim went to get a cup of coffee after seven p.m., Duke would stare at him until he poured the liquid in the sink. He could convince Jason to give up on any idea by saying ‘But what would Dick say?’, or ‘That would break your brother’s heart you know?’.

Duke’s proudest moment was the one time he managed to build up the courage to do it with Cass.

Dick had been telling her for weeks that she needed to rest. That training so much everyday is bad for her health. That she should try having fun in different ways. The man had been (and still kind of is) on a quest to find her a non-lethal hobby. But when Duke went down to the cave once, to fetch his forgotten water bottle, he found her training, and figured out why Dick had a frow on his face earlier.

“You know,” He started, testing the waters “Training so much can strain your muscles.” Cass shot him a look, but didn’t say anything “I’m just saying,” He put his hands up “Maybe you should listen to Dick. I mean, he’s usually not wrong about these things. _And_ he’s been doing it for longer than we have.”

“What do you want?” She asked, annoyed.

“Me?” He placed his hands on his chest “I don’t want anything. I just think you have been working too hard. You deserve a break.”

“I don’t want a break.”

“Well, maybe you should take a break anyways. It would make Dick so happy.” She stared at him, and Duke kept going “You know, he was very upset earlier. Seeing that you have taken his advice would make him smile so much. He really cares about you, y’know? Sometimes, I think we all take him for granted, not realizing how much of his time he spends trying to-”

“Shut up.” Cass said, pushing him aside to climb up the stairs “I’ll take the break.”

Duke smiled to himself. Dick would most likely ask him how did he do it later. He’d smile and say ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t do anything’.

And he rarely ever got into trouble. Considering that the other five had set multiple rooms on fire, broken several pieces of expensive furniture and ruined the house’s plumbing system many times in the past, there wasn’t much Duke could do to be considered trouble. Dick would vent to him about the others and always asked him to report on their behaviours whenever he had to be away for too long.

Damian envied that. He could give much more detailed reports of incidents than Thomas could, and he was ready to die on that hill. Dick mentioned multiple times that this just wasn’t the point, and that if he could go at least a month without threatening to kill one member of the family then he’d consider asking for Damian’s help.

Damian would then argue that he wouldn’t threaten anyone if they weren’t such useless piles of meat with no functioning braincels and irritatingly deficient fighting skills, and Dick would take away his cellphone for the day.

But the moment they realized how much power he actually had was when Alfred started using him as a threat.

“Master Damian, please stop sharpening your sword in the living room. I’m sure you can do this down at the cave.”

“I’m asserting my dominance, Pennyworth.” Damian replied “Drake can hear this from the kitchen and therefore knows better than to continue his attacks.”

Alfred frowned.

“Master Damian, I’m certain there is a better way to handle the situation. I trust you can find that out by yourself, or should I ask for master Dick’s assistance?”

They got caught up in a staring match for a while. And then, the boy silently got up, and went to the cave. Alfred smiled to himself, before moving on to the kitchen.

“Master Timothy, I do believe you have been told not to tease your younger brother in the past.” Tim raised an eyebrow “If you insist on these antics, I _will_ call master Dick.”

“I- um...” The teen started “Okay.”

Alfred nodded, and turned to Bruce, who was entering the kitchen.

“Ah, master Bruce. Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, or should I ask master Dick to call for you?”

Bruce froze and looked at Tim. The kid made a face.

“I will be joining you.” He answered, hesitant.

“How delightful.” The butler said, making his way out.

“Wha... What just happened?” Bruce asked.

“Alfred knows.” Tim said “We’re fucked.”

“Language.”

“Oh, leave me alone.” He shot back, sipping a freshly made cup of coffee “You’re not Dick.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! If you liked this and want to request me something or stay in tune for my next updates, check out my tumblr blog, @fearfulkittenwrites. I also have a personal blog, @fearful-kitten01, where I reblog the stuff I like and put way too much of my personal life on the internet. Please keep in mind that english isn't my first language and I don't have a beta reader. If there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out in the comments, it really helps! Thanks for reading it! Ily, stay safe out there <3


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